Today I’d like to share with you a little snippet of my story about finding resonance (another word for it would be “nervous system regulation”) in my Body. 

As many of my clients say:

❝ I had no idea that THIS is what it feels like to have a regulated nervous system. I thought it was supposed to be something completely different. I just… feel more alive! ❞

And, my-oh-my, neither did I! 

A little history to paint the picture: 

I started my ballet classes when I was 5 years old. And just like that from that moment on, my body was never good enough. (Ahhh… that old-school Russian ballet training, you know, all the stereotypes are true …. Definitely NOT a nervous system-informed space…) 

After that – years of competitions in sport aerobics on the national level. 

“You are too fat“
“Just stop eating“
“I can hear your butt fat flopping when you run“
…. the voice of my trainer into one ear…

“You are ugly without make-up“
“You dress ugly, I can’t even introduce you to my friends“
“You are stupid“
…. the voice of my then-boyfriend into another (what an asshole!, I know, but the topic of abusive relationships is for another time)…

And so I learned to freeze and fawn at a very young age: 

“I am okay if you’re okay“
“I will be whoever you want me to be“
“Yes, of course, you are right, I’ll work on that“
“I am so sorry, I’ll do better!“

“I don’t need anything, what do YOU need?”

I also learned very early on that eating was basically the only thing I could control in life. I would stop eating, starve myself, binge, and repeat. I would develop orthorexia. I would eat to numb and distract, to punish myself.

As a protection mechanism, my body’s security system developed a so called faux window of tolerance – a state of perpetual override and disconnection from my resonance.

And so I went on and did my life from this faux window of tolerance. A little foggy, half-present if at all, not interested, depleted, emotionally empty most of the time. Not knowing who I was or what I want. No needs, no desires. I don’t exist… 

Stuck in the syndromal land of my Bodyverse.

Back then I was trying all the NS regulation exercises, all biohacks, tips & tricks, methods and techniques re-poking at pain and symptoms, over and over again. 

Nothing worked! I only felt stupid for not feeling better… I’ve been doing all the good stuff after all! Why don’t I feel better? Everyone else seems to be doing just fine… And there is was – the familiar shame spiral – I don’t exist…

This is what I was doing until I started practicing Somatics and eventually developing my own body of work – Tales of Bodyverse – a relational and animate approach to life.

You’ve probably been through the syndromal land too. Might have been physical, emotional, mental, or even spiritual, energetic, or relational. Spiralling in shame. “Why can’t I just feel better?…“

I feel you. I get it.

I know you know this, but I’m gonna say it anyway:

THE secret elixer of any true alchemical transformation is… PRESENCE.  

Presence, resonance, the puls of life.

All these gimmicks and hacks just won’t work if we don’t have this foundation first.

We have the order backwards.

When we master the foundations, the bells and whistles actually work. But when we don’t, they frustrate everyone. 

And so here I am, turning 40 in two months (ehhmmm whhhaaaattt??), experiencing life through my resonant body for the first time in my life. 

And just like my clients say – it feels very different from what I though it should feel and look like. 

According to the scale, I am 10 kg softer than my lowest (and sickest) adult weight. The beautiful part of this is (which is still sometimes hard to believe because of my history) – I truly don’t care!  

I’ve never felt more flexible, strong, and spacious in my Body. 
I’ve never felt more pain-free.
My chronic stuff never has been more cooperative with me.
I’ve never felt more connected to the buzz of life and electricity running through me. 
I’ve never felt so alive and so at home in my Body.
I’ve never felt so present and tapped into the puls of Life. 

And so the moral of this story is:

Resonance does not happen in a Body that is self-involved and self-isolated. 
Resonance does not happen through the nervous system regulation techniques and hacks. 
Resonance happens in the space between.

Resonance happens through cultivation of the somatic experience of everything forever humming with life – and if we loose it, we loose the basic organising principle of the universe itself. 

Now I can whole-heartedly and with full confidence say:

I’m a genius at presence that amplifies the pulse of life, and I can teach you how to access that part of yourself, as well, and support your clients in re-enlivening their natural connection to vitality, wellness, and larger cycles of Nature. 

And so for now I want to leave you with this big question:

Can tidal consistency and reciprocity be a built-in default in your human experience? And what would this even mean to you?

The End.

If you want to share your experience around this (include another human in these dynamics), I am here for it.

I am also here as a layer of support as you begin to learn some new things about yourself.